Like many others, I want to believe that my contribution to the world we live in has some kind of long-term relevance. However, I am also realistic enough to realize that this not only highly unlikely, it might actually be impossible to achieve. I can also look at those who are changing our world and recognize that my failure to do the same is not really related to some lack or deficiency in me. I've done the best I can with the time, tools, and intelligence my birth and growth have given me. Sorry, Mom, but I didn't change the world. Somehow, I don't think she'd mind.
Anyone who has followed this blog since it's creation would know that my internal workings are hardly consistent. I jump around like a frog on hot pavement. I know this, and to be honest, most of the time it doesn't bother me.
But sometimes it does.
I have spent the last two hours browsing through my own archive (the links are all on the right hand side of the page, feel free to skim through it on your own, or not). Many of the pages I've offered up as links over the past two years have vanished into the mists of time. None of the Lineage II characters I've mentioned in the past still exist. I've deleted every last one of them, sometimes for good reason, and sometimes for no reason at all. I bought lots of Java books a year or so ago, but have not had time to read a single chapter. The books are still sitting on my shelf collecting dust, and the software was all removed from my home system a couple months ago. It has been a very changeable couple of years.
I suppose it will become obvious soon, so I might as well also add that Greyhawk Manor will soon vanish as well. I have not changed a single page in almost five years now, and there is no realistic reason to continue paying to maintain the domain name, so when it expires next month I'm going to let it die. All things pass, even websites.
As long as I'm looking back, I suppose it should also be noted that I have begun countless projects over the 43 years of my life and finished almost none of them. I guess persistence is not one of my stronger qualities. The things I did finish, have either wound up failing miserably or simply passed on with little more than a sigh of relief at their final completion. I guess one of the reasons I seldom finish anything is that the end of every project I do finish winds up being so profoundly anticlimatic. It gets to the point sometimes where I don't even know why I bother, but I do. Every morning I get up, I shower, I eat, I go about the day's business (even when it's just playing Lineage II), and eventually, I go back to bed.
For anyone with decent access to a job and a corner supermarket, life in our modern world is pretty boring. This is a good thing, actually. I have to admit, given the choice, I would much rather laze away my days in Tokyo than suffer through the daily uncertainities of Baghdad, Darfur, or even Pyongyang. There are many benefits to boredom, but it is boring!
Don't misunderstand me here. I'm not feeling depressed, or even melancholy, a little nostalgic maybe, but nothing more. Spring blues, maybe?
Anyway, my archives. I am somewhat disappointed at how many of the projects I've started over the past two years have fizzled away to nothing. So this year I am going to make a stronger effort at planning out and bringing to completion at least some of the things I start. Nothing important, of course, but I won't be deleting any more Lineage II characters, although I will lose the one I have on the PTS when the database gets wiped prior to the installation of C3. (If you couldn't follow any of that, it might be profitable for you to visit the Official Lineage II website.) Also, our business is starting a new project next month, so I'll actually be working at work instead of cruising cyberspace or surfing the web. Like it or not (and to be honest, I don't like it at all), I will have to concentrate on finding ways for that project to achieve some level of reasonable success. I don't know if I am businessman enough to accomplish anything, but I'm the only one sitting here so there isn't much choice!
There are a couple of things I would like to find time to get back into, but this year I will not have time to even begin. One of those is writing and the other is programming. I would very much like to rebuild my website with a different theme of some kind and relaunch it in 2006 with a new domain name. Doing so would require both more time spent writing and extra study of new web programming techniques. Since I won't have much free time this year (and what little free time I do have will be spent playing Lineage II), I doubt I will accomplish anything in that department, but it would be nice.
No, in all honesty, it looks like this year and next will be lots of work, and occasional bursts of Lineage II. Not very exciting at all. I don't even know how often I will be able to update this blog, but hopefully it will be more often than once a month! Of course, that also means I will have to find something to write about...
Hmm. Maybe once a month is a realistic expectation after all.
Oh, well. Time will tell.